Avalon

Confession

Friday, October 15, 2004

I must make an honest confession. I must make it clear that I am not pinpointing anyone in my last entry. I was well, just feeling pissed. Pissed at myself. My incompetence. My ineffectiveness. My atrocious habit of procrastination when it comes to executing well-planned things. My ineptitude. My failure to recognise my shortcomings. My tendency to overlook blind spots and avoiding things when I know they are inevitable.

I really don't have anything against anyone. If there is, it will have to be me. I am quite upset with myself. These days I have learnt to reflect on myself first before taking it out on others. It had took me quite some time to do this I must admit. In fact, it took 17 long years and I am still learning. This is NOT because I am noble, caring whatsoever, more of the fact that I don't like to take the easy way out all the time and deceive myself by pushing the blame to someone or something and just wriggle out of that uncomfortable situation.

I won't hide the fact that I was momentarily displeased with the cooperation level of LEP people. But the moment I showed my displeasure it was immediately ceased by a sardonic smirk emitting from somewhere within the confinements of my mind. It was chiding me for finding a scapegoat that I can push the blame to. So I have lost. Lost to my own emotions that have clouded my vision and messed up my moves. I have actually taken to hiding. Bowed down to the very thing I despise. Haha. How smart.

I am NOT a leader. Perhaps I was never one. I don't know. In the case of sounding politically correct, I must risk it by saying that I am a learner. With the LEP room all set with the new look, (hmm some seniors said it looks really cosy, I hope) it will be a new start. Thank you those who came down to sit around, warm up the place and those who helped out with the open house preparations. Looking forward to tomorrow's Choir recruitment camp. Heard there are like 30+ girls and only 5 boys. Erpz...

Envoy of the Stars @ 9:10 PM
-------------------------------