路人甲

Saturday, November 18, 2006

没想到从地铁站到搭地铁都会有人“搭讪”。先是在地铁站有个阿婆一口方言问我“弟啊，地铁站在哪里？”我不好意思了，不是因为别的，是因为我自己对那个地铁站所在地的周围环境压根不熟，只好谦声说了声抱歉。阿婆笑了笑，踱步而去。我看了看周围熙来攘往的人潮，不禁想“人海茫茫还能挑我来问话，也算不错啦。

到了要搭乘通向Boon Lay的地铁时，正要踏入闸门，旁边的一个auntie本来是跟她的朋友谈天的，突然话锋比龙卷风还要神龙见首不见尾地一转，冒出一句“这辆有去jurong的hor?”，我眼角看到她是看着我的，就自然地轻轻说了声“对，对，对。有，有，有。” 真是的。之前也有类似经历，明明身边多的是人，一个携着孩子的妇女还是能以“众里寻他千百度”般令我佩服的精神截住我寻问方向。（尤其是我走路是出了名的漂移，这不是自夸，只是本人不喜在人潮中人挤人，可见她轻功也不错的）

可见我还算是个有方向的人吧。哈哈，语带双关的感觉不错，但助人的感觉更好。因为曾经，我或许也像那个妇女的孩子一样吧，听着妈妈说“看刚才的那个哥哥/姐姐那么好心，以后要这样。” 类似的话。我不是说我也在任何人心中留下这样的印象，要传达的是我也听妈妈的话（帮周某人打歌），所以老师讲话，希望也有人在听吧。

另外一点让我蛮开心的是我的小孩缘吧。到了这个时候，龌龊的、卑鄙的、肮脏的、自私的，很多都在某程度上接触过了，但唯独还能算是纯真无瑕的，或许也就是孩子们的笑靥吧。（虽然现在的孩子无邪的也不多了，但可爱的还算不少）很难忘记在地铁、巴士或购物中心里看到小孩看着你时露出的笑容。我想，谁也会不自禁的笑的。有时看到他们的笑，不管心情有多郁闷，脸有多黑，都会拨云见日。

讲了这么多，有些人可能以为我有恋童癖或老年痴呆，但管你怎么想，我觉得出门遇到此类人，少的天真，老的和蔼，总好过看一些情侣的精彩限制级表演。

至于走路，我倒觉得走路时一门艺术。能够从这么平凡但频繁的生活作习中得到一种轻松舒畅的感觉，让我达到心灵的一片空明，和一种与自然结合，无我无他，物我两忘的境界，对我来说，自然是门艺术了。我更喜欢穿梭在人群中的快感。我的漂移。

我确实愿意做这样的路人甲。

只是有感而发。也该准备出发了。

Envoy of the Stars @ 11:33 PM
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On a wild kangaroo chase

Friday, November 17, 2006

Yup, announcing the imminent departure of who else but yours truly on 19 Nov this sunday. Will be going on a trip to a place in Australia I am not even sure of (think is somewhere called Rockhampton) sponsored by the organisation I am working for. Must be one of the employee benefits, an integral part of the welfare system it offers.

Jokes aside, will be leaving for 3 weeks and will only be back on 10 Dec, which means I might just be in time to set myself into the festive mood for Christmas. So while I am out there chasing the kangaroos and hugging the koalas, the rest of you, whoever and wherever you are, hang in there where work is concerned and the year will be ending faster than we will have expected it to be. Well, hopefully, that is. Haven't been in such a crappy mood during blogging for quite some time now, but then again, you can't really blame me right?

Drive ignition ready. The chase is on.

Envoy of the Stars @ 4:47 PM
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Let the pictures do the reminiscising..

Sunday, November 12, 2006


Of cos theres MAF!

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:12 PM
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The outing with the seniors

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:09 PM
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Our class gathering when the guys were still well relatively hairless...

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:08 PM
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OPX!!!! And our first outing this yr... How much we have changed.

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:07 PM
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YES the days when we book in wearing green... and trying to give that smile b4 welcoming the tough week ahead

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:06 PM
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POP!!! My dear section 4 mates... some of you I am still seeing, the rest of you, I hope you are doing well wherever you are.

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:04 PM
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Prom guys... those were the days we had hair so long

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:03 PM
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Prom

Envoy of the Stars @ 8:02 PM
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段段叙叙

Saturday, November 11, 2006

有时真的觉得周围有太多假洋鬼子，宁可口操半熟不透的英语到处横行，扮cool、装时尚、觉得赶上潮流，只差没有逢人就说“Yo yo yo, wads up dude”，却已恨不得把自己搞得像是和自己的文化越没有关系越好似的。看华文书，听华语频道，对他们仿佛像是在强制推行“讲华语运动”，好像会影响他们"纯天然"的英语生态，妨碍到他们的做习一样。什么东西多一点华文、多一点华族味道，就是cheena。既然如此，我很想通一通他们的语言，讲一声F@&* off。但当然，这样很没品，所以，我再一次无奈的笑。

不禁想，我们这代的父母大都已经不怎么重视华语了，虽然最近因为在现实的经济利益面前好像有转机，但这种为这种理由而了解自己的文化和母语，对不起，我很蔑视。其实用母语对一些人来说更是不恰当，不贴切，他们可以挺着一身黄皮肤振振有词：“母语？母语不是English meh?” 不说认贼作父，乱喊爹娘的人现在还蛮多的。

————————————————————————————————————————————————
我们不都是诗人

但至少是尸人---

终会化作一具尸体的人

————————————————————————————————————————————————
莫名的暧昧，之所以刻骨铭心，是因为对于夹在进退两难中间的不确定，对于花恋蝶还是蝶恋花的谜底的窥探好奇心，还是对于等待是否还存在意义，和那份欲说还休的甜蜜与苦涩... ...

莫名地来，无声无息；无名地去，无声无息

此情可待成追忆

————————————————————————————————————————————————

在黑暗中，我不怕被抹黑

当我们看不见对方的面庞

躯壳下的真我就会无所遁形地浮现

原谅我

我只是在

寻找遗失已久那个纯真小孩

在黑暗中，我将更珍惜光芒

所以让我沉醉

你我继续虚构着各自的天堂

Envoy of the Stars @ 2:26 AM
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Simple gestures

Friday, November 10, 2006

Just enjoyed the simple leisure of cabbing back home after yet another week.

And after dropping my friend off and the taxi was making its way to Bishan from AMK, I also don't know how it started but the Malay taxi driver just started to talk to me. So here I was after yet another unhappy Happy Hour to celebrate Hari Raya and Deepavali, having graced many sets of ethnic costumes donned by Malay and Indian friends, but leaving me in a slightly vexed state after having to endure the excruciating wait to book out.

The amicable man was wearing his Malay costume too and he initiated by starting to talk about his son who happened to be serving now too. Once again it meant that NS is a good conversation topic, among men that is. Sorry ladies, but I think you do feel privileged to be left out, don't you? Second because I probably didn't misuse any caustic language that is like the lingo back in camp while conversing with my friend, therefore giving the reasonably accurate impression that I am just the average good boy-next-door.

But one thing's for sure. When a father talks about his son, no matter how he complains about him, how he hides his disappointment in a rather unskillful way by scolding his son and picking on his bad habits and weaknesses, he still loves him deeply. It's an implicit yet hardly expressed love, one that is mixed with pride and care; one that does not exude such a warm glow as that of motherly love, but gives off a deep-seated feeling of closeness and understanding.

He went on to say that his son is leaving next week to serve the rest of his term overseas, and moved on to talk about his misconduct, how he still behaves like a teenager instead of a young adult, puffing cigarettes like a heavily-addicted smoker, hanging out with his army friends and returning only at late hours, but not forgetting to say how handy and technically-skillful he is, that he still fasts, and he just hope he can think through one day.

总是不经意又似有意地透露出了对儿子的关心、期许。就因为有希望，才会有失望。就因为有关心，才会有伤心。

And I was affected, so much so I told him "Maybe he just seeks the company he believes understand him most. Have some confidence in him and well you can just hope for him to think it through one day and he will understand. So just live your life happily for now." I ended it with a smile and the taxi was reaching my alighting point just then.

"Yup thats what I am doing."

"Ok. Heres the cash and thanks."

"Thanks to you."

"Haha no problem and a good day to you."

I waved, and I felt suddenly lighter, having known that well, hopefully, I helped brightened up his evening, along with my own.

Envoy of the Stars @ 10:36 PM
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The same old self

Sunday, November 05, 2006

They say there's a cloud in every silver lining. I don't see the clouds often these days but at least the moon looks relatively rounder and brighter last night.

Life continues.

Caught up abit with my old mates this week. Doing the same old stuff. Without fail we dwell on the same old topics. Responsibility. Moral obligation to do the right thing. Coexistance... Thanks to them for listening to me and for sharing their own experiences. Yesterday's outing with the OPX gang was interesting, as usual. We laugh over the same old stupid stuff, repeating and improvising the same old gigs, doing things we won't normally do, and laughing louder than the front row kids while watching "Flushed away". Enjoying the occasional meeting we have, knowing that it will become harder and harder to meet up as time progresses. Its sort of relieving to see we haven't changed much. We still like to crack lame jokes, criticise certain things.... Really loosened me up.

Time is really unfathomable. Last year this time, we are focusing all energies on As, probably stressing at the thought of having to write as much as possible for a paper in the short span of that precious one hour, after which all contents can be poured away unless required. And this year, I will be trapped in an environment that plays a different set of rules. What then of next year? What's waiting in line, apart from getting back the identity we all long for.

有时想想，自怜自伤才是使自己更脆弱的东西。 所以我宁可相信我所经历的种种是磨练，是磨不破，练不死我的。至少，我是这么觉得。

“放弃规则放纵去爱
放肆自己放空未来
我不转弯我不转弯”

-五月天 《盛夏光年》

Envoy of the Stars @ 1:18 PM
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Drama

Friday, November 03, 2006

Something bad just happened. It just spoiled my whole week and I have written this entry in my mind in camp. I just can't wait to pen it down and hopefully get it off my chest. It's stifling.

It was wednesday 011106. I don't know if it's because fate likes to take me for a ride or the heavens simply wishes to pose yet another daunting challenge to me having seen me rested enough for quite some time. Except the joke wasn't funny.

And so I am reiterating for the nth time what I have wrote in a statement and spoke of during question and anwer sessions for the past two days. I was vehicle IC and was accompanying my driver out of camp for round island trip to build up his confidence in driving. So everything went on fine for the first trip to Changi V until we embarked on the second trip back to camp after lunch...

My driver was moving along this road (I shall not name it, brings back the bad images again) and was about to make a right turn at this junction. But the vehicle was at the second rightest lane and he had to move into the extreme right filter lane to make the turn. So he was edging the vehicle towards that lane, so far so good, making his calculations, ensuring there was space between our vehicle and the civilian vehicle in front of us and that was when mayhem struck. I saw it in a flash. The left side of the front bumper got too close for comfort and before I could shout out a warning or do anything to even stop motion, I hear that sickening scraping of metal. It only sounded for less than 2 seconds, but it echoed throughout my head and my mind went blank, with the bang reverbrating as numbness seeped into my every pore.

And I thought there was only one way to spell shock... I turned, saw my driver practically sink into the chair, totally overwhelmed. He promptly broke down, in front of me. And that was when reality came gushing back into me, jolting my every nerve. I got down, just in time to come face to face with the owner of the car which so unfortunately got caught up in the picture. She looked agitated, for good reason, but she was giving that "so what you want to do now" kind of look and before I could tell her I totally interpreted that look, she kindly extended the helping hand and helped me spell it out by impatiently crying out "So how?" And as I looked back I caught a glimpse of my driver really crying, then burying his face into his hands behind the wheel. It must have been hard on him. I spent the whole morning motivating and encouraging, helping him build his confidence and it takes only an instant to wipe the slate clean and worst, leave a flagrant black permanent smear on it. For the first time since enlistment I had noone to turn to. Except my friend who was in another vehicle which has made the turn before my vehicle could make it, both literally and metaphorically. Alone. On my own. I suddenly realised what I have to do. What I must do.

"Madame, would you kindly make a right turn with your vehicle and stop it by the road side just in front of a busstop? You will see my friend there." Obviously the lady was at a loss, and so was I. The only difference between me and her was that I didn't show it. So after assuring her I won't run away (Ya like which stupid idiot would actually try to... 1. You are wearing green. The whole world can spot you like 200m away. 2. You are on a vehicle that can at most travel at 50km/h 3. My driver is currently not fit for driving...) Luckily he could still make the right turn and drive 50m before stopping by the road and slumping into his stupor again.

I spent the next one hour using every ounce of eloquence and PR skill I possess to talk the lady round, reassuring her my bosses are rushing down, apologising for the trouble, asking if she is rushing for time (and she isn't, phew..), whether anyone's hurt (and there wasn't, double phew, there were a few small children in the car. I think I will really lose it if anything... I don't wish to think) and calming her down. Damage control checked. All the while I was rotating from her and my driver, keeping tabs on him and consoling him and simultaneously talking with the lady to buy time. Surprisingly I was able to maintain my cool even though my mind was working like clockwork. Every minute of that hour was like eternity.

但偏偏世上仍然有人嫌天下不够乱。所谓一波未平一波又起。先是来了一个uncle“好心”劝我和那个女士私下金钱解决，不然把事情弄大，后果自然不堪设想。其实这我早考虑到了。但那时仍感激他的“好意”，虽然过后想了想，还是被他骗了感情，因为他多半是个修车的。这个人还算像个人。接下来的另外一批简直不是个东西，更不用说人。那一男一女突然冒出来，把我和身旁的朋友当透明的，直接跟那个女士搭讪。当然又是修车的。（让我从中也了解到原来修车的比巡警还厉害，真是不简单，不懂听谁说这里有热闹就冲过来，要是做消防队应该可以造福人群）他们讲话声音也不大，只不过我们俩站在十步外还可以听到而已。听他们说的话，根本就是要把我赶尽杀绝，从头到尾都是建议那个女士趁火打劫，能砍就砍，claim钱不手软。我心寒了。这就是我置身其中的社会。当然，他们只是为了赚钱，为了赚钱可以正大光明，杀人不眨眼，手下不留情，轻轻的几句，如果成功，我司机等于死路一条，甚至严重到有可能进DB(军狱）, 未来就这样断送，我也脱不了干系。真是干脆。干脆得让我真是想笑。但我只能苦笑，朋友后来跟我说他当时真有一股揍人（没办法，不懂有什么别的生物词来形容那两个，委屈了各位）的冲动。

天好像早有预谋似的在这时安排了一场雨。细细的雨丝飘落，稀疏得好苍凉。我想：老天真是会搞气氛，原来戏剧化还是可以跟生活搭上。我突然想起苏轼。“殷勤昨夜三更雨，今得浮生一日凉”。我陈氏没有他“定风波”的沉稳与安定，但我也受凉了。心凉。终于，救兵来了。但我知道，他们的到来，也预示我像是变成了一个等待判刑的罪犯。矛盾就是这样让你心里发毛，萎顿不堪。

我的Sir要我的司机去警察局报案，我陪同。坐上他的车时，收音机居然在播咻比都华的《世界末日》。我想：这也巧得太扯了吧。根本像是一场闹剧，只不过，我已有点闹不下去。

“想笑 来伪装掉下的眼泪
点点头 承认自己会怕黑
我只求 能借一点时间来陪
你却连同情都不给
想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所谓 反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
天灰灰 会不会 让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑 梦违背 难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁 也许事与愿违
累不累 睡不睡 单影无人相依偎
夜越黑 梦违背 有谁来安慰
我的世界将被摧毁 或许颓废也是另一种美
想哭 来试探自己麻痹了没
全世界好像只有我疲惫
无所无所谓 反正难过就敷衍走一回
但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞
天灰灰 会不会 让我忘了你是谁
夜越黑 梦违背 难追难回味
我的世界将被摧毁
也许事与愿违
累不累 睡不睡 单影无人相依偎”

看了看身旁的司机，依旧低头自言自语，感觉好无助。我只能给予自己都不相信的安慰。雨戏剧性的越下越大，仿佛要冲去什么，心中何尝无雨？窗外的景物在骤雨中模糊了，街旁的树一颗颗被风吹得低垂着头，默默哀悼。车内，雨点噼噼啪啪打在车窗上，一张落寞的脸消融在淫雨绵绵看不清楚的黄昏。

路，还在延伸。

Envoy of the Stars @ 11:37 PM
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