以己为号

Saturday, January 29, 2005

一口玉弓
拉开满把清风
发出倒映着无边苍穹
的点点洒脱
直到明箭飘落
伸出双手
还可握着那
残余的暖和



Envoy of the Stars @ 6:46 PM
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Bonds

Learning to treasure the different bonds I share with people is the subject of this week. Sorry Science students I am not talking about covalent or intermolecular bondng. ;p Ok that sounded like some weak attempt at being funny. No self-respecting comedian would do that and I certainly wont downgrade myself to that level. Ya before I drive off again by wild thoughts in my mind. I think I really get the motivation and drive to go through my everyday life from the people around me and the of course, my own will.

It's the many little things that they do which brighten up my days. 小小的感动。大大的受用。I never really appreciated all these encouragement and kind words, probably because they were mostly unspoken of in a boy's school.

This week, I got to finally meet my choir juniors. I expected them to be really dao and cold, but turned out that they were such a nice lot to be with. Although we only had one official practice together, I feel so hopeful for the basses with these freshmen around us who will certainly inject more zest and zeal in choir. It's such a strange feeling to have so many people during combined sectionals again, after the seniors left and even stranger to be the one helping others along when encountering difficult parts and notes in the pieces, when I remembered being guided along by my senior last year as though it were yesterday. Such a wondrous passing it had been. The prospects of getting gold with honours for SYF this year seemed more promising by the day.

Some of the seniors came back to look around. Last year's Cui Changs Yun Yun and Shu Han came back with Jessica yesterday. It was great to listen to their experiences and learn from them. While I was eating with my friend, I asked him to go watch Huangcheng this year and he agreed without any hesitation. He didn't even care whether anyone in his class is going, or whether anyone is going with him. I was quite shocked when he continued to criticise the people who looked down on Huangcheng productions. It is just so unlike him to express such strong emotions over something that doesn't even concern him. I am so grateful.

Envoy of the Stars @ 5:35 PM
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Angels and demons

Monday, January 24, 2005

I am starting to feel the pressure slowly building up and residing in my nerves, waiting patiently for some nook and creek where all this pent-up energy can be vented. Almost fainted when I got to know that there's S paper lesson for today, followed immediately by choir and huang cheng! Wow that would have gotten me hysterical. Luckily, everything went well and the ordering of dinner was done quite smoothly, thanks to Zhehan. It's great to have someone to fall back on in work, especially when there is no way I could be in two places at one time. But I found out that JJ's uncle and aunt are quite amicable to talk to so I guess that would lighten my load by a ton.

Human relations checked. And I see more are being forged. Suddenly got overwhelmed by the Angel and Mortal stuff because now I have two angels... Haiz and to think I was grumbling a week ago about my mortal's slow response... Retribution sure comes promptly, or is it too much I have bargained for. And I am aware that somehow I am in for a troublesome year. Call it six sense, a prophecy or a dead feeling, whatever.

And recently really got distracted and disturbed over something. Shall not say what it is or I will just invite more trouble to my doorstep... But sometimes this thing just occupied my mind and blocks out everything else. Agonising enough but luckily I have learnt to ward off this crazy demonic wave of weirdness.

Ok dreamland is beckoning... again. Haha. So sad when one yearns to just sleep everyday one wakes up.

Envoy of the Stars @ 9:59 PM
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Trapped in between

Thursday, January 20, 2005

How wrong I was to be blinded by my injudicious and naive thinking that we will have sufficient juniors in both choir and Huang Cheng. I was proven sooo wrong. Choir wise, we had a lack of choristers. Correction, it's major shortage of GUYS. Everything works in a demand and supply theory in real life and I must say that for choir, the demand and supply for guys and gals differ in such an exaggerated way. It's really miles apart. Maybe lightyears. On one hand, we have this batch of super, top-quality girls hand-picked and sieved out from a ready pool made up of mostly ex-choristers from individual choirs spread out over Singapore. So those who were selected are really the cream of the crop, the best of the best. I can vouch for this after hearing that only one girl from my junior class 04A12 made it to the choir family when at least 6 went for auditions. (and the shocking thing is most were ex-choristers) On the other hand, we have a serious deprivation of capable guys. Capable here is already a word seriously undermined now that there is this crucial problem of having an all-girl's choir. But it seems that even by these standards, we just couldn't get good enough basses and tenors. The last I heard, we have just five new guys joining the club. In relativity to the 23 girls with solid choral background and trained voices, the choir can be so unbalanced. Then today I actually found out that a guy who got selected for a lead role in Huang Cheng got through the final round of auditions after quitting Huang Cheng. No comment on that except that I probably have to face him for the next few months. But that really put me once again in that sticky situation because while I am quite certain that guy will most probably end up as a bass, (and a Bass2 maybe) that doesn't make me any happier because of an uncertainty in his commitment. Hopefully, I won't hold him in doubt for too long.

And then spent a whole week being the Cui Chang. Really enjoyed laming and crapping and acting stupid. Invented funny songs and really cracked my brain searching for interesting ways to hurry and shepherd them home. Also, mixed around with the emcees and found them very nice to talk to. Haha it had been a tiring but interesting week. This year although we had very little time to rush through the preparations for the show, I am confident we can make it. We have to. We will. Same for Choir SYF. That gold with honours will be ours if we can cooperate. Remember the thing last year when we were only hoping we get into the finals... I guess dreams can really come true.

Envoy of the Stars @ 10:47 PM
-------------------------------

跳跃

Monday, January 17, 2005

小时候
淘气地喜欢跳到爸妈床上
尝试动到天花板的滋味
原来是那么的美
就算跌下去
也有铺垫等着让我休息

长大后
跃升到更高更大的社会弹簧床上
拼命伸手摸那陌生的另一片天
新鲜得让人垂涎
却不慎踏空
这才发现
早已安置好的安全网破了个大洞

Envoy of the Stars @ 9:07 PM
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On this week...

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Basically, I whiled through the week and hardly remembered how I actually survived the seemingly endless sessions of GP and Econs. It has become somewhat of a bore, especially when you are clinging onto that shred of hope for dear life wishing that somehow you will encounter a turning point in the subject you intend on giving up on. But it is antagonising to feel like a failure. When it is hard to get stuff jammed tight into that brain, when you can pull out every single strand of hair and still be at a loss as to how to solve a particularly tough maths question, or when you totally cannot think straight when writing AQ.

Then of course there were three continuous days of choir. Tiring but quite fulfilling. Especially when I come to know that many of the juniors in 05A12 were interested in going for Choir Auditions. My mortal, for one, wanted so much to get into choir and Yi Meng's mortal actually cried when she found out she did not get past the first round of auditions. I felt so helpless. I could not help them in any way, but they have so much passion, so much interest. A wave of guilt struck me firmly in the chest. How many times have I been slightly unhappy with the choir time schedules when there are people who break down on hearing they cannot enter the choir doorstep. I told Yi Meng to go console his mortal and I think I will have to do the same because I didn't see my mortal's name on the list of shortlisted j1s. Then, Mavis said her mortal told her in a letter that she thinks "Choir is a much better CCA than Huangcheng." That made me speechless again. I don't know whether that remark stung more than it encouraged me. But it hit on that soft spot. Sparked off that dilemma in me once again. And as though this was not enough, fate chose to pose me an additional challenge by having both the Huangcheng and Choir stalls positioned face to face during CCA Openhouse. So while I could laugh it off and make jokes about it in front of people, I really was forcing a smile on my face. Anyway, I managed to pull more people into the backstage crew but I found it difficult to get the guys to join choir. I was on the verge of throwing my hands up in despair but luckily when I got back to AVT, I saw a bunch of CHS guys waiting to be auditioned. While it is rather unhealthy to have the Bass and Tenor sections made up by purely CHS guys, I consoled myself that it is at least better than having no juniors at all... But it is worrying to hear from my choir friends that most of the guys have an untrained voice and can only pitch averagely.

Then LEP orientation was carried out rather smoothly. Really thanked the J2s who came for helping out. And although the Wargame was really a flop, I think on the average the J1s enjoyed themselves. Hope they really get to know each other well. That would be satisfying enough for me.

Envoy of the Stars @ 6:13 PM
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Insensitivity

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Ya I am experiencing lots of insensitivity nowadays. It's a tinge of apathy and insouciance discovered just recently in me. Worst thing, this feeling is like feeding on me like a parasite. I held myself aloof to some things now, and I can't seem to shake it off. This is dangerous, particularly because I am now stuck in a situation where I will need truckloads of spirit, alertness, enthusiasm and all the positive energy one can think of. It's getting increasingly difficult. For one, I am slowly feeling the inertia in whatever I do now, especially when they are CCA-related. Next, lethargy sinks in after a tiring day of academics and activity. I know age is catching up on me but more importantly, it's the dispassion that has finally surfaced. But it will be restrained, controlled and quarantined. It had to be. There are times when I believe that I do not live for myself.

我的生存或许是为了衬托他人的光辉。不是因为我伟大，但大家应该听过相形见绌吧。

I cannot fall as and when I like and can't even have the liberty to just brush things off my back. No.

我连选择堕落的权利都没有。

But what's the point of saying all this.

红楼梦至少教会我“春恨秋悲皆自惹”，下联对我就比较没意思。一切的一切怪得了谁啊，陷得如此深，除了自我嘲讽，真想牢牢实实地掴自己几个巴掌，但恐怕已很难被打醒了。

For choir SYF, I must train hard. Produce that excellent musicality and well-blended song. For LEP, I must work hard. Spread the seeds of enthusiasm in those fated to receive them. Find my successor and make a more united batch out of the j1s, at the same time continue to make sure there's sufficient interaction between the J2s even with everyone's tight schedule and even if I have to endure all difficulites. For Huangcheng, be it a loyalty to my promise in that appeal letter, an obligation on my part as a Huangcheng member forever, a genuine effort to help out in something that has given me so much more, a commitment willingly taken up to relive the old times, or simply a choice made with no reason but an inclination, give my best to create a memorable Huangcheng 2005.

I always tell myself whenever I am feeling numb with the things I do that noone owes me anything, and noone forced me to take up the things I do. So there's no reason to let anyone down. Sainty or just plain stupid. I decided maybe I should not be bogged down by all these. Like it or not, I still have to complete all these duties I have. And, even though I may be walking on my path alone, I still feel the warmth from the people around me at every checkpoint I cross. That, I think, would be enough.

Envoy of the Stars @ 9:57 PM
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Let it be

Friday, January 14, 2005

Had been listening to the Beatles CD that I bought from Taiwan. It comprises of 27 classic hits that were all-time number one favourites in the 1960s and 70s. Suddenly felt that all the so-called acclaimed music bands and groups cannot hold a candle to them. They are really the legends, not only of their time, but even till now. I remebered I knew very, very little about this band until last year when I heard and sang their song "Yesterday". I thought that it was delivered so sincerely and well. And to think I was naive to actually buy the CD just for that song when it turned out all of their songs are hits.

There's particularly a song I felt very suitable for me, especially at this time.

Let It Be
Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Envoy of the Stars @ 10:03 PM
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So long...

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Yup it has indeed been quite long since I blogged, considering how frequently I did so in the holidays. But with that said, the holidays seemed to have passed long time ago, even though it's barely two weeks since school reopening.

So obviously there are many stories to tell, much with the addition to the "HC family" and our merger with TCHS (I still cannot discern whether I like that more or less, but one thing's for sure: I am proud of my roots) so anyway, there was combined flag raising with the section beside HC. It was such a mixed feeling to be back standing on that same terraces singing the same school song and listening to the same commands from the parade commander. But I was not sure whether I would like that, even until now. For one thing: I am now a Hwa Chongnian and no matter what they said, that won't be the same as the "Hwa Chongnian" presently. It's not just the school name or the merger, it's the feeling and the bonding. Oh well, this "resentment" towards this change in administration would probably only last for just another year I guess, after which everything will start afresh. After all, we ARE the last HC batch and the leading batch of HCI... So well no more shall be said.

Next, we saw our junior class which was quite interesting. I thought they were look like quite a hardworking lot, the ones who will mug real hard whether there's exam or not. And I thought 04A12 was muggerish... looks like we have met our match. 青出于蓝. I finally understood what that meant, literally. From their creative banner design and all the complicated but intelligent hidden meanings, I am awed every minute. Haha I am quite sure they will definitely do better than us. After all, I heard they went library to read up and there were times I saw some of them taking out their Maths and Econs notes to read or even do Maths tutorials in advance... That makes me want to imediately give up writing this entry and burying my head within my homework. If only Ziqian was around... haha too bad he's probably enjoying life somewhere in Tekong with a clealy shaven head...

Then last friday had campfire and it really reminded me of our experience last year. Met up with the NP OPX gang. Wei Qiang joined us from SA!!! And then there's Isaac, Jun Yan and Oliver. Haha Oliver's haristyle looked soooooo funny. And Jinx called him 美女when Kang Hao introduced her to Oliver (a usual trick by Kang Hao lol) Then we wanted to bring the juniors out but not all of them wanted to go. And in the end, we settled for somewhere near school (turned out to be the 煮炒 place) but I thought it was quite good. At least got to know the guys better and promoted choir and huangcheng to them.

Angel and Mortal officially started today. I think this kind of things really make me feel one year younger back during the carefree first three months. And then persuaded Bryan and Wei Lin to join choir!! Yeah! So I am guaranteed to have at least one choir junior in 05A12. And I really think this year the junior class has got many people who's interested in choir. Huangcheng has got alot of actors and actresses this year too and just went to eat out with them today! Boy were they are a buoyant and vibrant lot. Maybe too bubbly and AA for our liking though. I think the bus trip from HC to KAP is longer than all the bus trips I had take from CHS to there for the past four years put together. They were making such a din. But then good thing that they are enthusiastic and so quick to get "high". haha. Grins. And then found out that listening to Alvin, Hailing and Hoi Fai's talk can be so enlightening and funny. Can't help laughing at times.

Then last saturday went to watch SHE's concert!!! So exciting. It was the thing that kept me moving and my mind working for the first week. Hebe was so pretty but I think I must really curb this thing before this liking turns into blind obsession. Ya but well I did say she was the kind of person I am looking for. Not really her looks but the whole feeling. Argh digressed again. Anyway, the concert was very nice and I must say it was a run for the money, and would have been better if not for the technical faults in the sound system. Stupid echoes and screeches. I have come to really regard such sound faults with distaste, especially when we choir really rely on microphones as lifelines when we perform in open, noisy areas like the Central Plaza but problem is HC microphones are really unreliable. Ok shall end of for now.



Envoy of the Stars @ 9:55 PM
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嘀嗒嘀-时间慢慢滴

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

除夕夜只剩下一分多钟
我却一个人静静待在家中
享受那难得的恬适
思绪也自那尘嚣集市
抽回
我静静地坐
2004年静悄悄地过
它就这样静静地丰富了一年的我
永远
走入历史
一切
从未停止
至少我的心还规律的跳着
时钟的时针，分针和秒针同时停留在十二点的瞬间
时钟也就变成了闹钟
肆无忌惮地刺破了宁静，喧嚷着，狂呼着，
兴奋地向刚刚来临的贵客致上最热烈的欢迎词
不远处隐约传来了炮竹声，掺杂着几声欢愉的喊叫
短暂几声却在记忆深海中游走得如此漫长
手机上显示着两则简讯还未开启的信号
突然感到一点也不寂寞
至少我没在黑压压的人潮中迷失
也没机会在白茫茫的空虚中与孤独交上朋友
悄然间微笑已涌上心头

Envoy of the Stars @ 10:49 PM
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沧海一声啸

Sunday, January 02, 2005

十二月二十六号
海啸第一时间报到
我听到的，却是环绕在我脑际的熟悉音韵
这时的那里，天灾来袭
这时的这里，天在哭泣
“沧海一声啸，滔滔两岸潮。”
慷慨激昂的旋律跳跃在心潭上
但以往的亢奋豪迈却消失在一片叠浪残骸
音乐的坦荡突然披上了一件阴森诡异的黑斗篷
今晚，无风，无雨
却冷，却暗
因什么都无而沧桑，萧索
悲凉

“谁赢谁胜出，天知晓。”
是冥冥中早有安排
所以在21世纪科技发达的年代
大自然一动雷霆之怒
天下苍生只能身不由己的屈膝为奴
大海带来了浩劫，敲醒了千万人的丧钟
大海卷走了生态，毁灭了无数的将来
当巨浪铺天盖地掩至
一切也就在怒涛咆哮中无声的终止
美丽的沙滩从此与无边的汪洋
画上等号
“人定胜天”的俗语尾端
冒出了数不尽的问号
用以为那来不及发出的悲鸣哀嚎
进行一番意味深长的凭吊
无法预测的天灾
是大海对人类造成破坏的终极报复？
若是天谴
那殉难者的无辜应更胜从前
只因他们被归类在“人”的统称下
而成为被残忍牺牲的祭品
这惩罚本不该由他们来承担

当各国伸出援手赈灾
我们只能希望这浓浓的人情味能上动天听
血海飘香
满目疮痍，遍地狼藉
尸堆成山
已自让人不忍卒睹
但遇害者的痛苦并未结束
它仍侵蚀着活人的肝肠
当泪己凝聚成河，流入海水
血泪交融
只怕马尔代夫再下十年雨
也冲不散
套句老话
“人生无常
及时行乐”
狮岛位置得天独厚
至少不再是“社会学”课本上的片面之词
是该珍惜

Envoy of the Stars @ 5:36 PM
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