Living in red

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Red happens to be my platoon colour. And yes I have seen red many a times these days. In an environment that requires you to be on your toes all day long, it's hard not to fend for yourself. True enough there is the dodging and ducking of responsibility and trying to be "thrown less into the fire" and taking less of the rap for things. Self-defense is but another term for self-centredness. In the end there's just another blood-spill: tempers flaring and noises blaring, people who get so exhausted and drained both physically and mentally that all the dark side of human nature start worming out from their careful concealments, in the most primitive states. That's when the reality strikes hard, sometimes so hard it knocks you unconscious. Then again, unconsciousness is too much a luxury to afford. There's no escape.

Red. The colour of blood. Blood flowing within our veins. We have never really took note of its presence, though its the source of our life. But I have had enough of blood-boiling experiences by now. Unfairness, conflicts, sabotage, lack of cooperation from the people around me, selfishness... But the keyword here is adaptation, and the eventual acceptance, or in more ugly context, resignation, succumbing, conceding, surrendering, relenting and submission. It's all a matter of perspective and thinking, anyway. Adjust and hey, we suddenly can do things that we couldn't have in our past. And we brand this evolution. Suffer in silence, get past and move on. Everyday sees the same routine: Suffer in silence, get past, move on, suffer in silence, get past, move on, suffer in silence, get past, move on.... and we say "this is life". But where are we actually moving to. We have seen blood shed. Our own. Through this we build blood ties, the supposed "brotherhood", more out of forced circumstances than interest. Fragile, but reinforced by adversities, tested and tried through tough training.

Red can mark death, but it can also represent life. Meaningful... I am getting addicted to red. Maybe I live in a darker shade of it.

Envoy of the Stars @ 11:23 PM
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Blink

Sunday, April 16, 2006

I realised many songs like to talk about "memories", "love", "liking", "break-ups", "affection" and "feeling". No wonder I am really starting to fall back on classical music. It's still the most trustworthy accompaniment one can get. It just listens, adjusts you to your mood without complicating your thoughts. No words and all. No attempt at telling you what to do. No action to try to influence your thoughts, stir up your emotions.

Going out with my friends have really made me more aware of how much I have forgotten, or rather if another perspective is taken, how much they have rememebered. How I was like 4 years back. What first three months were like. What we were doing at this time of the year last year, the year before, and before, and before... Apart from marvelling over their superb memory, I can't help but marvel at how much I have forgotten. Weren't all these supposedly important to me? Well I can still say without hesitation that they are. So, then what's erasing these details away, or making them obscure? I will say they are not tampered with in any way, but driven deep into the corners of my mind. The unconscious. So they can only be triggered, or can only be kept in the dark, and not be summoned by will. Why so, I ask. So my conscious will not have to do the extra work controlling these memories from surfacing at the wrong time, from affecting my daily life and influencing my moods so easily. I guess it's better that way.

Envoy of the Stars @ 6:45 PM
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杂陈

Sunday, April 09, 2006

闲静下来时，也许是太静了，脑中的闹钟又响起，于是，我也想起：

好多好多

有多好

有多多

却写不下去

是不是渐行渐远

总的来说，应该就是那随心所欲的年少

穿着的同样是制服，不同的是颜色，感觉，和最重要的——回忆

坐在156的座位上，却放不下的心情

我很久没做巴士了

更久没做过空无一人的巴士

灰尘

落在记忆replay的母带

偶尔还是吹吹一下

也好

Envoy of the Stars @ 7:02 PM
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有趣的摘录

Saturday, April 08, 2006

“但懂事只是指一种克制，不让自己的本性露出来，本性终究是本性，过久了就会自己露出来。”

“所谓看破红尘就是把原本美好的红尘看成了破烂。”

“因为距离而产生的美感与思念都是暂时的，都是源于一方不在身边的不习惯，一旦这种不习惯被习惯了，距离便会发挥其真正作用——疏远。所以距离产生的美感就像流行歌曲磁带里的第一首主打歌，听完这首歌，后面就趋于平淡了。”

-韩寒《毒》

Envoy of the Stars @ 10:33 PM
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两首歌

Sunday, April 02, 2006

最近重复在脑中播着的两首歌：

陶喆
蝴蝶

当这世界已经准备将我遗弃
像一个伤兵被留在孤独荒野里

开始怀疑我存在有没有意义
在别人眼里我似乎变成了隐形

难道失败就永远翻不了身
谁来挽救堕落的灵魂

每次一见到你 心理好平静
就像一只蝴蝶飞过废墟
我又能活下去 我又找回勇气
你的爱像氧气帮忙我呼吸
我又能呼吸
我又能呼吸
你就是不愿意放弃

生命充满乱七八糟的问题
像走在没有出口的那个迷宫里

oh no 一次又一次只会用藉口逃避
怎么你从来没对我彻底的死心

我有何德何能值得你珍惜
为何你对我有求必应

每次一想到你 像雨过天晴
看见一只蝴蝶飞过废墟
是那么的美丽 就像一个奇迹
让我从倒下的地方站起
Woo....只要一靠近你 就觉得安心
你看着我的眼没有怀疑
你对我的相信 让我又能重生
不管世界多冷我还有你 我有你

爱我这样的人对你来说不容易
我的痛苦你也经历
你是唯一 陪我到天堂与地狱
每次一想到你 像雨过天晴
看见一只蝴蝶 飞过了废墟
我能撑得下去
我会忘了过去
是你让我找回新的生命
yeah//
每次一见到你 就心存感激
现在我能坦然面对自己
我会永远珍惜 我会永远爱你
在我心底的你的位置没有人能代替
yeah 你就是那唯一

周杰伦
最后的战役

机枪扫射声中我们寻找遮蔽的战壕
儿时沙雕的城堡毁坏了重新盖就好

可是你那件染血布满弹孔的军外套
却就连祷告手都举不好

在硝烟中想起冰棒汽水的味道
和那些无所事事一整个夏天的年少
我放下枪回忆去年一起毕业的学校
而眼泪 一直都忘记要掉

嘲笑的声音在风中不断被练习
这树林间充满了敌意

部队弃守阵地你坚持要我也离去
我怎么能放弃
我留着陪你
强忍着泪滴有些事真的 来不及 回不去
你脸在抽搐 就快没力气
家乡事不准我再提

我留着陪你 最后的距离
是你的侧脸 倒在我的怀里
你慢慢睡去 我摇不醒你
泪水在战壕里　决了堤

Envoy of the Stars @ 2:14 PM
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