Avalon

A thought too bothering

Monday, October 11, 2004

This feeling just stirred up within my mind when I was lying in bed yesterday. It was not the first time I have experienced such an emotional crash-landing, especially during these few days when I had more time to think about what I had done in the past year. It just hit me. This. I must say there were similar occasions when this thought was so provocative and possibly offensive that I was almost driven to anger. Not that I am a very emotional and sentimental person but I admit I just have that tinge of over-sensitive reaction to things, even minor details.

Well it was just the thought of Huang Cheng. Not surprising right? I thought it wasn't, considering the fact that I spent the most time in my past year preparing for something that I had absolutely no idea but gradually develop such a burning passion and love for. Ya it just suddenly struck my mind, intercepting the arrival of all the other train of thoughts. It just sort of raised the "High Priority" signboard, seeking for immediate attention. And obviously it succeeded. I just wished it hadnt. It turned out apart from thinking about how marvellous, memorable, unforgettable and bodacious those glorious moments were, the ones when we were standing confidently on stage presenting the one hour long show put together through hours and hours of hard work, there followed a trail of dark thoughts that had come back to haunt me in their wake. Yes. Those things I had tried to avoid thinking of. Those painful dilemmas I had been put through and which I presumed had been buried have risen from the dead to terrorise me. It was simply wishful thinking on my part that I had exorcised these disturbing and unhappy thoughts. But I realised, on several occasions, like yesterday, that the old wound had not been healed at all. It had just been forcefully covered up when in actual fact, it had left a gaping hole behind this false pretence.

Ever since I left Huang Cheng after the end of the performance, I had sort of lost connection with this network of friends, except for the few that I have come to know and I am really grateful for that. The lowering of the curtains actually signalled more than the fact that Huang Cheng 2004 has officially ended... Three months of cooperation and hard-earned friendships merely existed in that dream we had weaved together.
黄城一场黄梁梦
破碎之后梦醒空

Maybe this is just the feeling I get. Since I had officially been declared (or rather I self-declare) myself an inactive member of Chinese Society, (where Huangcheng comes from) I just feel subsequently detached from the activity that I had really manifested and invested my time and soul in. “我把生平最兴奋的情绪都付给了它。"
Sounds familiar? If not please read up on Huang Chun Ming's 《儿子的大玩偶》。Ya but so what? Please pardon my directness but I find myself being subjected to all kind of criticisms ever since I left to join some other CCAs, comments that can be hurting, ridiculous and well, to put it curtly, raise my blood pressure. Things like "Aiyah you have left Huang Cheng already. You don't need to care already what." and " Aiyah, nothing big lah. None of your business." I am clear of my position now. I am neither in the exco nor am I in any way related to Huang Cheng as of now and I am not wanting to want to force some "military secrets" out of those would-be directors next year, but I will really appreciate just a bit of concern for the voluntary and sincere care I am just trying to show. To be frank, I never considered myself a Chinese Society member anyway. Just a Huang Cheng member. So please to all those who only care for the physical presence of "current" huangcheng members and totally ignore the emotional strings attached, may the force be with you, because you clearly lack it. I once hear someone say this sentence, "Once a HuangCheng member, always a Huangcheng member", maybe the term action speaks louder than words don't hold in a drama production circle...

And for those who find this entry offensive in any manner, I offer you my deepest apologises but sorry, I am really not forcing anyone to read it anyway.

Envoy of the Stars @ 4:05 PM
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