Avalon

Emotional turbulence

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Sometimes I wonder whether I am overly sentimental and over-sensitive. I tend to feel greater emotional changes, nostalgia and ya those kind of things. I don't want to appear soft but I am considerably affected by memories and changes in my life that stir up this emotional whirlpool. Not that I am being besieged by these thoughts now but I cant help but think about the reasons I am so easily influenced. Change. Those who knew me from CHS have told me about how I have changed, I was always so aloof and nonchalant, passing their comments off with a slight smile. It was funny to note that that I know of a person who recoiled at that smile as though he had seen someone else but me. I have to admit I have changed. But what do they expect me to be like? Someone who keeps tagging behind them all the time, to the extent they feel irritated and annoyed? Someone who always act the 小弟 and stomachs all the light-hearted jigs and banter they throw flippantly at me, until they feel like stopping? I am not saying I had bad memories during those four years. Doubtless to say I cant be smiling my way through all the time but my experiences had been quite heartening, which I must thank my lucky stars for. I am not denying the fact that I am forced to be a 小弟. Sometimes I prefer to be like that. At least 小弟 will enjoy the company of great friends who just have minor flaws in their character, such as the burning desire to be leader of the pack. In any case, I still feel the warmth that friendship brings. After all, not everyone can be 小弟 anyway.

So they say I am vastly different now. Some told me that they preferred the old me Ok so like what am I supposed to do? Turn back time? Look upon them as the so-called 老大 again when they themselves know that they are not fit to do so? Or am I supposed to be slightly less considerate and caring and instead get in their way and occasionally getting on their nerves? Not that I am a mischievous devil who goes about making tough sport out of their lives. Far from that. The thing I only do at most is well, just fight over the use of the class computer, engage in mini debates over trivial issues and getting the better of them, as always. No. I know that that was not what they meant. They wanted me to be just.... the KH they know. But there's something they don't know. What is KH like from the start? I am pondering over that mystery.

Then those who know me from these year have totally different views. Those who happen to chance upon this blog or are loyal readers would have your own views regarding the envoy of the stars. Whatever they are, I never was really an angel so I don't really mind. Maybe a fallen angel will be more appropriate.
My wings have been broken, the clouds have spoken.
And so I have fallen, as the heavens parted in swift motion.
The leaves carry my ruptured bones,
but my heart has fled with my spirit to a faraway zone.

Envoy of the Stars @ 4:27 PM
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