Avalon

Insensitivity

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Ya I am experiencing lots of insensitivity nowadays. It's a tinge of apathy and insouciance discovered just recently in me. Worst thing, this feeling is like feeding on me like a parasite. I held myself aloof to some things now, and I can't seem to shake it off. This is dangerous, particularly because I am now stuck in a situation where I will need truckloads of spirit, alertness, enthusiasm and all the positive energy one can think of. It's getting increasingly difficult. For one, I am slowly feeling the inertia in whatever I do now, especially when they are CCA-related. Next, lethargy sinks in after a tiring day of academics and activity. I know age is catching up on me but more importantly, it's the dispassion that has finally surfaced. But it will be restrained, controlled and quarantined. It had to be. There are times when I believe that I do not live for myself.

我的生存或许是为了衬托他人的光辉。不是因为我伟大，但大家应该听过相形见绌吧。

I cannot fall as and when I like and can't even have the liberty to just brush things off my back. No.

我连选择堕落的权利都没有。

But what's the point of saying all this.

红楼梦至少教会我“春恨秋悲皆自惹”，下联对我就比较没意思。一切的一切怪得了谁啊，陷得如此深，除了自我嘲讽，真想牢牢实实地掴自己几个巴掌，但恐怕已很难被打醒了。

For choir SYF, I must train hard. Produce that excellent musicality and well-blended song. For LEP, I must work hard. Spread the seeds of enthusiasm in those fated to receive them. Find my successor and make a more united batch out of the j1s, at the same time continue to make sure there's sufficient interaction between the J2s even with everyone's tight schedule and even if I have to endure all difficulites. For Huangcheng, be it a loyalty to my promise in that appeal letter, an obligation on my part as a Huangcheng member forever, a genuine effort to help out in something that has given me so much more, a commitment willingly taken up to relive the old times, or simply a choice made with no reason but an inclination, give my best to create a memorable Huangcheng 2005.

I always tell myself whenever I am feeling numb with the things I do that noone owes me anything, and noone forced me to take up the things I do. So there's no reason to let anyone down. Sainty or just plain stupid. I decided maybe I should not be bogged down by all these. Like it or not, I still have to complete all these duties I have. And, even though I may be walking on my path alone, I still feel the warmth from the people around me at every checkpoint I cross. That, I think, would be enough.

Envoy of the Stars @ 9:57 PM
-------------------------------