Avalon

Sunday, September 04, 2005

一醒双秋梦
不识眼前人

One year ago, what was I doing? One year later, am I doing the same thing? But why do I not recognise any of my doings. My handwriting, my appearance, my personality, me. Once in a while, you need someone to remind you how much you have changed.

Went back last tuesday to look up my CHS teachers. You will ask: Why tuesday, not wednesday? Because I find it useless to join the queue on thursday(which is of cos the official Teacher's Day Eve aka "the-whole-world-suddenly-feel-like-revisiting-their-alma-mata-day") just to talk to my teachers. And then of cos, one of my chinese teacher who happens to be one of the few teachers who remember my friends and I and whose presence is one of the few reasons I choose to return in the first place, doesn't really like crowded occasions. Still remembered how we nearly saw an empty table when we went back on CNY this year and TD last year because she slipped away immediately after celebrations. Sometimes, I really feel it's all abit like putting on a show. You smile. You say "hi". Say "how have you been" while keeping the broad smile and making sure it doesn't become a smirk. Then when the time is right you say "bye" and of cos the unforgotten message which explains your objective behind your visit in the first place: a chorus of "Happy Teacher's Day". (only if you are not going alone or your timing with your friends' is just on cue.) I can't help but feel quite sad. I try to tell myself "Hey, everyone means well. The fact that you come back shows you care, at the very least." And it's for this lucky existence of such an unsullied clearing in my heart unpolluted by my cynicism which I am thankful for. It allowed me to disregard all those negative comments lingering in my mind. Although sometimes you must really hand it to some people who return like some victorious soldier ready to receive the "Medal of Honour", strutting with an air of hypocrisy and wearing a false, plastic smile, walking about with "Oh Ms XX/Mr YY I miss you so much"... Ah well probably it's their way of conveying their heartfelt gratitude. But doesn't make it any less irksome. But I know I must remind myself the motive of going back. (Ok maybe "motive" sounds too rational for such a sentimental occasion) It's more of a show of concern for people who have helped to move you on during your past stages of life, (academic wise at least) and of cos to show them you are living fine. (If they care or if they remember you, that is) I personally think it's quite important that you are sure that teacher remembers you before approaching him/her. Like during Tuesday my friend said "Hey go see Ms Wong leh. Haven't really visited her for quite long. (I was like "But we haven't even talked to her since sec 2") Still, I guessed it was polite to do so, though I have to admit it was a slight moment of chagrin when she couldn't recall who I am. (or "was" to her) I thought it was "good" in a way that she doesnt remember who I am cos I was really bad at maths during sec 2. But I could see her struggling to recall but I could only smile, though I managed to add in here and there during the conversation, which turned out to be quite long... This time we didn't bring any card, flower or anything, but we brought our hearts. One that is not filled with thoughts of going out with sec 4 class for outing, or of getting to meet sec 4 classmates who have gone on separate paths. No. This time it was just to know how they are doing. But I must admit a part of me was yearning to return to the school grounds I have spent 4 years discovering and rediscovering, walking up and running down. I cant help but chide myself knowing how near CHS is to HC but yet so far away, (in culture, ideology and of cos peer company) so much so it's almost ironic that we can find ourselves giving excuses that we are busy or that our teachers would not want to see us so often just to console ourselves for not making the extra effort to go back once in a while (not a year or well not biannually or even never for some) So after finishing our talk with the teachers, we went back to our tower block classroom. I realised I forgotten the tables are brown. Dark brown. But I still know how to use the visualisers, the projectors, the computers. We just sat there talking and taking in the air-conditioned supply of air. How ever did those times pass without me realising?

Then of cos, there's MAF next week. Really want to go as a member of the crowd, after being emcee for last year's MAF. Someone reminded me it will be our last school event, besides Prom. Hmm.... At least there will be alot of people there. I still remember how "high" everyone was, the only time we danced mass dance since orientation campfire.

Maybe, just maybe,
蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处。

Envoy of the Stars @ 6:30 PM
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