Avalon

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Somehow I feel I am falling prey to the darkness that resides within me. Sounds like science fiction? I certainly thought so. I need more control and restraint. Defense mechanisms to disarm potent and latent negative charges building up, apart from the bit of guilt and conscience left. Man appears to be so weak, easily seduced by corruption. Especially the soul. Never mind the saying "Clean is dirty. Dirty is clean." Watching "300" leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling. Unlike my peers, I couldn't treat it as a comedy, amid the rather comical bloodbath and dismembered body parts that look more artistic than realistic. It just leaves me with bad vibes and a sick aftertaste hard to stomach. I don't know why but I felt heavily pressured throughout the film. Basically the crux of the show was gratuitous violence, even though there were underlying messages of loyalty and valour. But in the midst of all the slashing and war cries, I doubt those messages will be disseminated effectively.

It's not that I don't admire valour, honour and loyalty. But the movie, to me at least, was a struggle against Man's inner demons: lust, greed, aggression, violence, corruption, the death drive. No longer a nationalistic battle to fend off tyranny and dictatorship, no longer a fight for freedom, no longer a calamitous war between Spartans and Persians. Just a never-ending struggle between Man and Man.

That message I interpreted is the most realistic portrayal in the entire movie, to me at least. There seem to be so many movies with war themes nowadays, and watching them never fails to leave me with a heavy lamentation. Pacifist? Idealist? Realist? Does it really matter? As long as a call to arms is not issued that easily, that violence is not resorted to that lightly or frequently, peace shouldn't be that difficult... right? I guess I am still a hopeless amateur, who's still living in his own fish bowl. But it's not like I don't see well-disguised acts of hypocrisy and ugliness in real life. Finger-pointing, blame shifting, scape-goat appointing and the evident sacrificing, responsibility pushing and arrowing... And the worst thing is, this is supposed to be a game for the supposed winners with the power to call the shots, the stakes to lay, the nerve to display authority, put on airs and talk about respect when they don't really comprehend that, not for puny pawns or prawns with no say and no interest to say anything anyway. So why drag the latter into the picture? Just to let more people know how screwed up and ridiculous this place is? I think most will have known enough.

In a desperate attempt to salvage my disintegrating soul and regain that control over my self, I am really turning to music, anime, books... ... The doings of a true blue escapist, indulging in fictitious, virtual, ideal, fabricated worlds.

"Keep holding on". I think for someone who doesn't really listen to english songs, Avril Lavinge's song really provides that little comfort and drive at the right time. And relistening to David Tao's "Butterfly" now brings all the flashbacks of last year's S*sp^c days to mind again.

I am just seeking... Avalon.

Envoy of the Stars @ 5:22 PM
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